Archive for humour

Taking A Woman To Bed

Posted in Humour and Jokes with tags , , , , on October 15, 2011 by AF

I’m sure some of you have heard this oldie but goody before, but from a guy’s perspective…

The difference between girls/women aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78 is as follows:

At 8  — You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 — You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 — You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 — She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 — She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 — You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 — If you take her to bed, that’ll be a story!

At 78 — What story? What bed? Who the hell are you???

Incidentally, according to the U.S. Census Bureau, at any given time:

190,374 people are having sex.

212,130 are kissing.

And a few sad people (like me) are simply reading/writing blogs.

Have a great weekend.

😆

Need A Laugh?

Posted in The Blog Spy with tags , , , , , on October 12, 2011 by AF

Okay, I’m done with serious for a while (probably a long while) and I know I’m often in desperate need of a laugh myself – it helps to stop me bursting into tears after watching TV news and such like…

Anywaaaay – The Blog Spy has been about again and here’s an offering from a great blog. I do think this website is often just plain hilarious. There are quite a few writers who post there and this is an article by “unknownmami”, a very funny lady.

Naturally, as always, this might just be down to my quirky sense of humour, but I bet it makes a few of my readers giggle at the very least.

The blog is the excellent “Aiming Low” blog, which incidentally describes itself as “perfectly mediocre” (though it’s anything but, to my mind), and you can see the post that most recently amused me right here.

Take a cup of coffee with you when you go over there because I think you might find yourself browsing around there for a while, once you finish laughing at the post in question.

I hope you enjoy.

😆

You’ve Gotta Laugh

Posted in The Blog Spy with tags , , , on April 12, 2011 by AF

I came across this blog, “The View From The Johnsons”, via a tortuous route. Of course, there’s nothing new in that for me and, on the face of it, it’s not even entirely my sort of weblog either – there’s lots of family orientated stuff – you know, kids and babies and all that. But all of it is so well written by a gorgeous lady, Ali Johnson, with oodles of that most valuable of all commodities – humour!

Just take a look at this article as an example. Can’t you just picture it? I mean, what would you do in those circumstances? Yeah, I know, I shudder at the thought of it too…

So, for what it’s worth, my recommendation is to go on over there right now and take a look around. We all need a little more laughter in our lives, don’t you think?

😉

Addendum: One other strange thing about this blog – I know I said it’s not exactly my sort of blog, but for some reason, I can’t stop going back and exploring a bit more – odd that! 😆

Another Great Blog

Posted in The Blog Spy with tags , , , , on February 18, 2011 by AF

So, the Blog Spy is on the prowl once more and, of course, it’s another blog written by a female (well, you wouldn’t expect this leopard to change its spots at my time of life, would you?). When I read this post below, I was well on the way to being hooked on this lady – Krissa. Something about her sense of humour caused me to fall in love in an instant (but then again, I do that a lot). However, fortunately for both of us, some other guy got there and grabbed her first, but still…

“I hope each and every one of you are having the fun filled, chocolate covered, prelude to a sugar induced coma kinda Valentine’s Day that you do so deserve!

NO! TRULY!

How old, unromantic and downright frumpy does it make me that I just want a new washer and dryer?”

Yeah, I know, kinda grabs at your heartstrings, doesn’t it? 😆

Please – just go read the rest of the post here, at HalfAsstic – heck, read the rest of her blog! I doubt you’ll be disappointed.

Have a good and “interesting” weekend 😉

Morning Sex

Posted in Humour and Jokes with tags , , , , on February 12, 2011 by AF

This is a bit rude (nothing new there, then) and it’s been around for quite a while. However, it still makes me smile…

As I walked into the kitchen, I was greeted by a sight that, although I’d seen it many times before, I still found exciting. She was standing there, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast and wearing only the ‘T’ shirt in which she normally slept.

I was almost awake and she turned to me from in front of the cooker and said, softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment – right now!”

My eyes lit up and I thought, “I’m either still dreaming, or this is going to be a very lucky day for me!”

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she simply said, “Thanks,” and returned to the cooker, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”

She said nothing for a few moments and then explained, “The egg timer’s broken.”

Additional note: My eggs would be hard boiled – well, almost… 😆

So, What Were Your New Year Resolutions?

Posted in Miscellaneous with tags , , on January 8, 2011 by AF

About four hundred years ago, when I was only twenty something, I made a resolution not to make any more New Year Resolutions, but the convention seems as popular as ever, in spite of the pitiful failure rate associated with the practice.

However, I did say that I would try to blog a little more regularly this coming year, so this is by way of attempting to keep that pledge – let’s see how long the good intention lasts (in return, please promise me that you will not hold your breath waiting for me to keep faith with this for long, as I would hate to think that I was in any part responsible for anyone’s asphyxiation).

All that said,  why do we make these promises to ourselves and to others at the turn of the year? I suppose the thought is, new year, new me (or new behaviour), but is the leopard really going to change its spots just because the date on calendars ends with a different number? I mean, come on! From giving up smoking, to eating more healthily, to drinking less alcohol, to taking more exercise, or being faithful to one’s partner (those last two could perhaps be considered to cancel each other out), is it really likely that we’ll succeed by adding the extra pressure of making a resolution at the stroke of midnight – particularly if we have already imbibed far too much at the time and are viewing reality through the bottom of a champagne glass?

Nevertheless, I’m sure many of you made these resolutions, so my challenge to you is to reveal them here to me. What did you promise and have you managed to keep that promise even this far?

Aww… go on, you can tell me – I won’t say a word… honest!

😉

Um – I’m Afraid It’s Me Again Big G

Posted in Chats With Big G with tags , , on November 26, 2010 by AF

I’d hate you to see me as always moaning… Eh? What do you mean by that? Well, anyway, like I’ve said before, I get a bit confused by the things people who are supposedly your reps say and I wonder how you feel about some of it.

There’s the Catholic thing for instance… well, we’ve skirted around this before, but the idea that people who clearly cannot afford, or don’t want, children (or more children if they already have some) should not use contraception, is just plain daft to me – sex is either for fun, or it isn’t and, if it is, how can they justify preaching to couples, married or not that they should not use birth control? Seems to me like nothing more than a straightforward attempt to increase their following with respect to other religions… Eh? Well all right then, how would you interpret it? Like I said, sex is for fun, or it isn’t – if you’ve made it that way, then who the heck are these jerks to argue with your idea? Well, yes it’s quite true, I’m arguing, but then I don’t believe in you, remember?

Aaanywaaaay – that wasn’t my main point – I was just saying – as an example. Try another one then… What about all these various religions and all the pompous rubbish a lot of them spout? I mean to say, if you exist and if you’re in charge, then don’t you think it’s about time you exerted your authority and put a stop to all this balderdash? If some group or other has it right (which I seriously doubt), couldn’t you just arrange to show all the others up for what they are – charlatans and lunatics – or better still take a few minutes of your no doubt valuable time to turn up here on Earth and tell it like it is, so we all know once and for all?

I know that’s perhaps a lot to ask and some of your self appointed reps here would have us believe it’s all some sort of a convoluted “test”, but really! Are you kidding me? Religion has been the excuse for so much conflict, war, torture, death, destruction and general mayhem for so many thousands of years, if you’re really there and if you’re really such a loving god, couldn’t you just fix all this bickering and hatred once and for all…

Who knows what humanity might become if you took all that dissent and silliness out of the equation, eh? Well, I guess you do know… supposedly.

Thanks for listening – again – if you were, that is…

Are Our Own Lives THAT Boring?

Posted in Scandalous! with tags , , , , , , , on September 5, 2010 by AF

In the UK’s Sun newspaper recently, the top story covering almost the whole of the front page was… wait for it… Cheryl Cole’s divorce from her “love rat” husband, Ashley Cole. Minor news items like a second explosion on another oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico and the fact that house prices in the UK have been falling again at the rate of £92 a day during last month, were consigned to inside, lesser, pages – that’s way inside, well after the tits on page three. About the only good thing I can see in that story making the front page is the fact that they were at last leaving Tiger Woods alone.

Why? Why do they print this nonsense? Why is all this whole “celebrity” thing of any interest to them at all in the first place? The answer is of course – because it sells papers, so who can blame them? But what concerns me is what does that say about us? Are our own lives so boring, so mundane and uninteresting that we can only get pleasure or excitement from seeing and reading about the day to day lives of these often pretty insignificant people.

So, Cole, a quite good footballer “cheated” on his quite pretty, moderately good singer wife. So Tiger Woods was off keeping his hand in (and other parts) whilst he was away playing golf. So what? Yes, it may be bad behaviour and yes, I’m sure lots of celebrities are not very nice people when you get behind closed doors – in fact some of them are downright nasty, even in public. But are they behaving differently, or doing anything that millions of ordinary people aren’t doing all the time?

Well, no, of course they aren’t and that’s my point. Why do we care? Why do we somehow get some kind of satisfaction from the fall from public favour of people like Tiger Woods or Ashley Cole. Woods is famous because he is a brilliant sportsman, as is Cole. Why should we care that they are just as nasty and unreliable in their “private” lives as that unpleasant next-door-but-one neighbour of ours, or indeed as we ourselves might be? How does that in any way enrich our lives one iota?

It all seems very strange to me, but I’ve got to stop there because I have to go and read today’s Screws News of The World in order to discover who’s having it off with whom this weekend…

What do you mean, I’m only jealous?

😉

Hot Or What!

Posted in Scandalous!, Writing and Things Literary with tags , , , , , , , , , , on August 22, 2010 by AF

The girl sat down two tables away from me at the little outdoor café in the square. We were both clearly locals since we both chose to sit in the shade. Only tourists want to sit in full sun, shrivelling their skin in the hope that this time it will all be different from every previous occasion and they will turn that desirable coppery shade of tan they always wanted – instead of the blotchy red that actually occurs and then begins to peel round about the time they are due to return home.

That irrational belief in the triumph of hope over reality also pretty much reveals itself  in the choice of fashion and styles, as many foreigners seemingly religiously follow the latest trend regardless of suitability. One of the things I most like about it where I presently reside is that it is so cosmopolitan. If I sat in that café in the square for long enough, I swear most of the world would eventually pass by. So, people watching (as I love to do), I see some interesting sights whilst I am seated there, I can tell you – all sorts, shapes and sizes.

Now, many Spanish women are quite beautiful – often well proportioned with delightfully rounded figures that curve in all the right places, but the visitors, for whatever reason, all too frequently appear to me to be far less lucky with what God handed out to them in terms of physique, or is it down to the way they perhaps mistreat what they have? In fact, particularly with many of the Brits and the Germans, it seems to me that God (or maybe Ronald MacDonald) has just been far too damn generous, but that doesn’t stop them following fashions and trends with inconsiderate abandon.

I say all this to explain a smidgen of what sometimes tends to drift idly through my thoughts as I sit and, admittedly far too lazily, watch the world go by at that café in the square, or at a bar down by the beach, or almost anywhere else here in this superbly mixed and fluctuating society. But earlier today was different.

This particular young woman was quite tall and, though slim and nicely proportioned, she was hardly one I would have said fitted into the category of the perfect female form. She wore relatively little, as is the custom here and she had regular features with a mouth that was a little too large and very pretty brown eyes. Unlike many other Spanish women, her hair was cut fairly short and it was dyed mostly dark brown with a huge slash across the front in a deep, bright red!

That, sadly, is so typical of many frighteningly macabre casualties I observe amongst the dedicated followers of fashion, whilst I sit and slowly sip at my strong black coffee, or as was the case today, an ice cold beer – utterly unsuitable and damaging to an otherwise unremarkable body with features to match – except that, in this case, it wasn’t! This girl had style! She knew exactly what looked good on her and how the overall effect was absolutely stunning! Electrifying!

At that point, of course, she looked across and caught me staring at her. Oops! Immediately afraid she must surely know what I was thinking and that I was wishing I was perhaps thirty years younger, I tried to brazen out my foolishness and smiled somewhat sheepishly at her. My lust must have been written uncensored across my face for her to read, but she smiled warmly back at me with a friendly sparkle in her lovely eyes. Unsurprisingly, she was gently laughing silently at my desire, or my consternation, but it was a kindly amusement, indicating an acceptance and perhaps even approval of my appreciation of her charms. I was no threat, of course, she expected to be desired and she clearly enjoyed my admiration. And why not? It is what makes the world go round.

Shortly afterwards she finished her espresso and left. As she stood, she smiled once more in my direction and I raised my glass a little towards her in salute. I could swear she exaggerated the swing of her hips as she left, but that could easily just be part of my fantasy…

Speaking of fantasy, I have made several attempts to write a short story based on this experience, but each time I do that fantasy takes over and it degenerates into outright porn, so I’ve settled for an all too accurate account of my foolish behaviour. I suppose I could have made some effort towards prolonging our encounter, or gingerly tried to become a little more acquainted with this sexy, attractive vision, but it would surely only have destroyed that beautiful few moments of joy for me – and, who knows? Just perhaps it would have spoiled something fun and pleasing for her too…

Damn! There I go again!

Pregnant At The Age Of Sixty One

Posted in Humour and Jokes with tags , , on April 23, 2010 by AF

I liked this. Okay, so I have a twisted sense of humour, but…
 
A woman went to her local doctor’s clinic where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out again and was screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was and, calming down just a little, she told him her story.

After listening, the older doctor had her sit down and relax quietly in another room. Then he marched purposefully down the hallway back to the office where the young doctor sat writing on his clipboard.
 
“What’s the matter with you?” the older doctor demanded. “Mrs. Terry is 61 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant for heavens sake!”

The younger doctor continued writing and, without looking up, he asked, “And does she still have the hiccups?”

😉