Archive for bullshit

Are You Being Perverse, Big G?

Posted in Chats With Big G with tags , , , , , , on May 23, 2011 by AF

I can imagine you laughed your butt off at those poor souls who had 21st May 2011 marked up as the end of things on our little planet – I mean, most of us here did – but did you miss a trick? Okay, so you and I have endlessly done the “I don’t believe in you, but I doubt you could care less” thing and, yet again here I am talking to this (to me) imaginary being who I don’t believe in. Yet, if you are real, would it have hurt your pride soo-oooo much just to back up these dipsticks who were going on about the rapture and all – at least just a little?

You didn’t have to end it all like the crazies claimed – yet again – but we could have seen a couple of the best good guys (or gals) floating skyward on the 21st, couldn’t we? I’m not exactly questioning your judgement, but it seems a bit unfair of you to me. According to the pundits – you know, the clergy and all – you made man in your own image. Well, if that’s so and with you being omnipotent and all that as well, you ought to find it real easy to think like a human (in so far as we do think at all, that is). Just a smidgen of evidence would be nice – a gesture at least that you understand us.

Now I know it’s always said that we have to take everything about you on trust – have faith as they insist on calling it. Well, that’s all well and good, but you’ve seen how that attitude works out with politicians, salesmen, relationship partners and lots of others – doctors even – so, “taking things on trust” now (quite rightly, if you don’t mind me saying so) kind of equates to being downright gullible! Don’t blame me! You gave us free will, supposedly. So I don’t see how you can be upset if we question things that look pretty darned unlikely to us.

I guess, on reflection, it would have been a bit of a stretch to ask for the odd candidate to be headed for the rapture they were going on about at such length, but there was nothing – well, that’s nothing apart from Iceland’s volcano playing up again, but that’s not new, is it? There weren’t even a few significant earthquakes that I heard about!

Of course, I imagine their abject failure this time won’t stop the “End Is Nigh” bunch from coming back on the next date some jerk calculates is going to be the apocalypse – they always do, time after time, and being wrong never seems to phase them in the least, but endlessly repeating the same damned thing in the vain hope of a different result is one of the definitions of madness, isn’t it? Couldn’t you either back these guys up a touch, or just put us all out of their misery by sending a few well placed lightning bolts to shut them up permanently?

Please… Aw… go on… Pretty please?

Cheers. Thanks for listening (if you did).

Um – I’m Afraid It’s Me Again Big G

Posted in Chats With Big G with tags , , on November 26, 2010 by AF

I’d hate you to see me as always moaning… Eh? What do you mean by that? Well, anyway, like I’ve said before, I get a bit confused by the things people who are supposedly your reps say and I wonder how you feel about some of it.

There’s the Catholic thing for instance… well, we’ve skirted around this before, but the idea that people who clearly cannot afford, or don’t want, children (or more children if they already have some) should not use contraception, is just plain daft to me – sex is either for fun, or it isn’t and, if it is, how can they justify preaching to couples, married or not that they should not use birth control? Seems to me like nothing more than a straightforward attempt to increase their following with respect to other religions… Eh? Well all right then, how would you interpret it? Like I said, sex is for fun, or it isn’t – if you’ve made it that way, then who the heck are these jerks to argue with your idea? Well, yes it’s quite true, I’m arguing, but then I don’t believe in you, remember?

Aaanywaaaay – that wasn’t my main point – I was just saying – as an example. Try another one then… What about all these various religions and all the pompous rubbish a lot of them spout? I mean to say, if you exist and if you’re in charge, then don’t you think it’s about time you exerted your authority and put a stop to all this balderdash? If some group or other has it right (which I seriously doubt), couldn’t you just arrange to show all the others up for what they are – charlatans and lunatics – or better still take a few minutes of your no doubt valuable time to turn up here on Earth and tell it like it is, so we all know once and for all?

I know that’s perhaps a lot to ask and some of your self appointed reps here would have us believe it’s all some sort of a convoluted “test”, but really! Are you kidding me? Religion has been the excuse for so much conflict, war, torture, death, destruction and general mayhem for so many thousands of years, if you’re really there and if you’re really such a loving god, couldn’t you just fix all this bickering and hatred once and for all…

Who knows what humanity might become if you took all that dissent and silliness out of the equation, eh? Well, I guess you do know… supposedly.

Thanks for listening – again – if you were, that is…

The Obsession With Truth

Posted in Scandalous! with tags , , , , on February 10, 2010 by AF

I’m not suggesting that insincerity is desirable and often it’s not even easily excusable – nor is breaking promises a nice thing to do, but then we’re all human (well, most of us are) and humans are far from perfect, aren’t they?

However, in my view, honesty and truth really aren’t the same thing. Some people think they are and those individuals are of course entitled to their opinion, but anyone who doesn’t lie (almost continuously in daily life) is considered by the bulk of society to be dysfunctional and yet a thief is undoubtedly dishonest by most people’s standards, so where does that leave such holier than thou attitudes?

From the day we begin to learn to talk, we also start learning to lie – and that’s taught to us by our parents! Take a look at this great and very funny article here from PJ – one of the many lovely, interesting and (as far as I can tell) honest people I come across as a blogger. I know it’s obvious – it’s not lying to be considerate to others, is it? It’s not telling a lie for a child to “keep it to him/herself” when he/she sees a fat lady, or gentleman, is it? Your child needs to be taught to be considerate and to ask out of earshot why such and such a person is so fat. An adult saying such things would be awful and they’re not fat anyway, are they? They’re large, or bigger, or well pounded, or well built, or even obese, or any of the other disingenuous euphemisms we use to describe someone who is “in truth” – fat!

So there’s a world of difference between not saying to someone’s face that you think they’re fat and a guy telling his wife that he’s working late when he’s actually screwing their next door neighbour, isn’t there? Isn’t there? I mean, he’s not really keeping the truth from her because he still loves her in many ways – just not in that special way anymore – is he?

I mean, you’re honest and truthful, aren’t you? You wouldn’t break into someone’s house and steal their TV and you wouldn’t lie and say, “Oh yes. Well done!” to Mrs. Jones when she enthusiastically tells you how well her new diet is going and she looks considerably fatter to you than she did last week, would you? Well, I’m as sure as I can be that you wouldn’t steal the TV, but the lie? Now there I think you’d probably do what you’d see as being kind – because you are kind.

So I think there’s a whole load of bullshit talked about truth – there is no such thing as a definitive truth about most things… only our individual and highly subjective version of it and we all move the line we cross (or don’t) between telling what we see as truth and being a little deceitful in what we decide at the time are the best interests of others. Even the truth of an “affair” can be subjective… what a wife (or husband) may see as an affair, the husband (or wife) may see as a bit of a naughty diversion that his/her partner doesn’t need to know about and be hurt over. It may not be strictly “right” as many of us would see it, but we really shouldn’t be so damned judgmental as many of us are about such things, should we?

We all lie – even (especially??) to ourselves!

So What’s The Problem With Sex?

Posted in People, Society and Politics, Scandalous! with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 8, 2010 by AF

What is all this fuss we make about sex? Something that JJ said in this excellent post on her blog (The Fifty Factor) confused me a little – well, it certainly made me question some things I previously took for granted, at least.

Listing some of what she does and doesn’t blog about, Joanna said this, Generally, I will not blog about… […] Sex. In the event that it could ultimately bite me in the butt should I decide to run for an elected office, I’ll keep this topic to myself.”

Now I don’t know how serious she is about that statement because she can be a very funny lady, but I suspect there’s at least some truth in it. I was… well, I was quite shocked, particularly in view of some of the things she does blog about (often in jest). My surprise was not due to what she said, but more by the realisation that she felt she needed to think that way.

I mean, what is our modern world about? We in the West, in reality if not in name, are currently fighting at least two major wars and suffering casualties; huge earthquakes are devastating whole countries, or so it seems; terrorism is everywhere; politicians appear to be less honest by the day as they steal public money, lie through their teeth about important matters under consideration by the administration in power and much more; huge debates are taking place in the US over healthcare for millions of Americans and (to an outsider at least) the rich v the poor battle seems to get daily closer to them killing each other in the streets, whilst still others are warning of the impending doom that awaits mankind because of global warming…

All that is going on and is just a small sample of the awful state of humanity and, if JJ is right, it looks like the public and their favourite media (and the Brits are just the same) are most concerned about who is sleeping with whom and what they like to do to each other in bed.

As I said once before quite recently, certainly in any sort of critical manner, I try to stay off of the twin dodgy subjects of religion and politics, but really… perlee-ease! How will humanity ever progress if sex is the factor that is going to be the most contentious and important in the world of politics, of all places? It has nothing whatsoever to do with it!

If politicians are screwing me financially, or bureaucratically, then it matters to me! But what they do of a sexual nature to each other, or any other consenting adult, is none of my goddamned business and, frankly, I neither care nor want to know about it!

How To Call The Police Effectively

Posted in Humour and Jokes with tags , , on January 25, 2010 by AF

So, in a less serious frame of mind, how you call the police can make all the difference as to how well they are able to respond to your call…

Phillip Hewitson, an elderly man, from Norwich, UK, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go and turn off the light, but saw at once that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?”

He said, “No… but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.”

Then the police dispatcher told him, “All patrols are busy. Just to be safe, you should lock all your doors and an officer will be along in probably an hour or two, when one is available.”

George said, “Okay.”

He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again…

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Well you don’t have to worry about them now, because I’ve just shot them. There’s no rush anymore.” He hung up again.

Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance all showed up at the Hewitson residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

Frowning, one of the Policemen said to Phillip, “I thought you told us that you’d shot them!”

Phillip eyed the young sergeant and said, innocently, “I thought you told me there was nobody available!”


Songs For The Winter Holiday…

Posted in Humour and Jokes, Just a Thought with tags , , on December 27, 2009 by AF

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer

had a very shiny nose.

And if you ever saw him,

you would even say it glows.


All of the other reindeer

used to laugh and call him names.

They never let poor Rudolph

join in any reindeer games. 


Additional Government advice for celebrating the Winter Holiday…

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R. Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.

A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions – including suspension on full pay – will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.


Songs For The Winter Holiday…

Posted in Humour and Jokes, Just a Thought with tags , , on December 25, 2009 by AF

We Three Kings

We three kings of Orient are

Bearing gifts we traverse afar

Field and fountain, moor and mountain

Following yonder star


Additional Government advice for celebrating the Winter Holiday…

The gift of gold is still considered acceptable as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as ‘cash for gold’ etc. Gifts of frankincense and myrrh, however, are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipient’s name, or perhaps give a gift voucher.

We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC Route-finder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption.

Please note: as per the guidelines for other animals from the RSPCA, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.


Songs For The Winter Holiday…

Posted in Humour and Jokes, Just a Thought with tags , , on December 24, 2009 by AF

Little Donkey

Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road

Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load


Additional Government advice for celebrating the Winter Holiday…

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period.

Please note: due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. Additionally, the donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled ‘little’ and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment further upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.


Songs For The Winter Holiday…

Posted in Humour and Jokes, Just a Thought with tags , , on December 24, 2009 by AF

While Shepherds Watched

While shepherds watched

Their flocks by night

All seated on the ground

The angel of the Lord came down

And glory shone around


Additional Government advice for celebrating the Winter Holiday…

The Union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided. As a result, it has been agreed that benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs will now be made available to them during working hours. Shepherds have also requested that, due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year, they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.

PLEASE NOTE: the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his/her glory all around she/he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.


Songs For The Winter Holiday…

Posted in Humour and Jokes, Just a Thought with tags , , , on December 22, 2009 by AF

The Rocking Song

Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;

We will lend a coat of fur,

We will rock you, rock you, rock you,

We will rock you, rock you, rock you:


Additional Government advice when celebrating the Winter Holiday…

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Such persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.