Archive for birth certificate

An Open Letter To God

Posted in Chats With Big G with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 18, 2009 by AF

I really don’t want to incur your wrath, God – and I know you’re a busy guy, what with watching over so many of us – and some of us must seriously piss you off at times! I mean there are all these wars and famine and stuff going on and what’s Fox News’s main concern? Some black guy’s birth certificate! I mean – pleeeease!

I know you must be busy, but...However, like I said, I know you’re busy with all this day to day mayhem as well as all the stuff I can’t comprehend too. But talking of that – and please don’t get upset if I’m speaking out of turn, I mean: just say if this is none of my business… Well, there is this thing that keeps on nagging at the back of my mind and it’s sort of confusing me…

Where was I? Oh, yes – you’re busy and all and there’s this nagging thing that I worry about. Well, my worry is really about some of the people here on little old Earth that claim to represent you. Are these guys for real?

You see, God, Sir, for instance: there’s this thing about virgins. Like I said, with you being so busy and all, well I kind of wonder about the logic of some of what we’re told that you’re supposed to have said – and please don’t take this the wrong way – I mean I can only respect someone with all the things you do at the same time and if this is what you want then it’s what you want and I’ll just shut up and stay confused. But I do worry about the virgin thing…

The thing is, there seems to be a consensus here that, although young guys are supposed to keep it zipped up in their pants, they’re probably not going to and it’s just “sowing wild oats” when they don’t. I’m not complaining – I mean, I’ve had my share as I’m sure you know full well and I surely enjoyed every minute of it. I even learned to make it last for ages to make it more fun for me and my partner and… Sorry, I’m getting off the point again…

So, virgins! It might just be my interpretation, but your reps seem to make it a real big deal about women remaining virgins and not having sex unless they’re married. So, my query is this: if the young women are to remain virgins and it’s not so bad for the young guys to go out and get laid, who are they going to do it with? Does that mean that once the girls marry they can screw anybody? Because that’s not what your guys are saying as far as I can tell. I mean, we all know there will always be “fallen women”, but if your reps are successful in reducing the numbers significantly and the wild oats thing is still accepted, then there’s going to be a relatively small number of these women working their butts off morning, noon and night and I fear for their health, I really do. I know young guys don’t usually take long over the sex thing, but it seems kind of unfair to me to put such a burden on these few women.

What do you think, God? Have I got this right? I mean, I’m being good here and thinking of others, aren’t I?

Oh, by the way, God, like I said I know you must be extremely busy and I guess you don’t really have time for daft requests from people like me, but do you think you could spare just a few moments to make a quick batch of copies of Obama’s birth certificate and shove one right up the ass of everyone at Fox? Then maybe we can get back to some sort of normality here on little old Earth.

Thanks for listening…