Archive for the Humour and Jokes Category

Taking A Woman To Bed

Posted in Humour and Jokes with tags , , , , on October 15, 2011 by AF

I’m sure some of you have heard this oldie but goody before, but from a guy’s perspective…

The difference between girls/women aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78 is as follows:

At 8  — You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 — You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 — You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 — She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 — She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 — You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 — If you take her to bed, that’ll be a story!

At 78 — What story? What bed? Who the hell are you???

Incidentally, according to the U.S. Census Bureau, at any given time:

190,374 people are having sex.

212,130 are kissing.

And a few sad people (like me) are simply reading/writing blogs.

Have a great weekend.

😆

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Morning Sex

Posted in Humour and Jokes with tags , , , , on February 12, 2011 by AF

This is a bit rude (nothing new there, then) and it’s been around for quite a while. However, it still makes me smile…

As I walked into the kitchen, I was greeted by a sight that, although I’d seen it many times before, I still found exciting. She was standing there, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast and wearing only the ‘T’ shirt in which she normally slept.

I was almost awake and she turned to me from in front of the cooker and said, softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment – right now!”

My eyes lit up and I thought, “I’m either still dreaming, or this is going to be a very lucky day for me!”

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she simply said, “Thanks,” and returned to the cooker, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”

She said nothing for a few moments and then explained, “The egg timer’s broken.”

Additional note: My eggs would be hard boiled – well, almost… 😆

My Living Will

Posted in Humour and Jokes, Miscellaneous with tags on June 11, 2010 by AF

Lateral thinking can produce some startling results at times, don’t you think?

I like this…

Last night, my adult kids and I were sitting in the living room…

I said to them, “I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens to me, just pull the  plug!”

They got up, unplugged the computer and threw out my wine.

Kids can be such assholes…

😆

Pregnant At The Age Of Sixty One

Posted in Humour and Jokes with tags , , on April 23, 2010 by AF

I liked this. Okay, so I have a twisted sense of humour, but…
 
A woman went to her local doctor’s clinic where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out again and was screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was and, calming down just a little, she told him her story.

After listening, the older doctor had her sit down and relax quietly in another room. Then he marched purposefully down the hallway back to the office where the young doctor sat writing on his clipboard.
 
“What’s the matter with you?” the older doctor demanded. “Mrs. Terry is 61 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant for heavens sake!”

The younger doctor continued writing and, without looking up, he asked, “And does she still have the hiccups?”

😉

The Supermarket Doctor

Posted in Humour and Jokes with tags , , , , on April 3, 2010 by AF

One day, in line at the works cafe, Jack said to Mike behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I’d better go see a doctor!”

“Listen mate; don’t waste your time down at the surgery,” Mike replied. “There’s a diagnostic computer at that big new supermarket just outside town. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It only takes ten seconds and costs just five quid. That’s whole lot quicker and better than the doctor and you get loyalty card points, too.”

Jack was a bit sceptical, but reckoned it sounded like a good idea and was worth a try. So, he collected a urine sample in a small jar and took it to the supermarket. He deposited five pounds and the computer lit up and asked for the urine sample. He poured the sample into the slot and waited…

Sure enough, ten seconds later, the computer ejected a printout:

  1. You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity for two weeks and it should improve in that time.

Jack was amazed and went home to do as instructed. That evening whilst still thinking how excellent this new technology was, he began to wonder if the computer could be fooled. So, he mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and ‘pleasured himself’ into the mixture just for good measure. Then he hurried back to the supermarket, eager to see what would happen.

He put five pounds into the machine, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results with a grin. The computer printed out the following:

  1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
     
  2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
     
  3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
     
  4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
     
  5. And if you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow is never going to get better….

** Thank you for shopping at Super Supermarkets **

😆

Finally – The Male Rules

Posted in Humour and Jokes, Miscellaneous with tags , , , , , , , on March 15, 2010 by AF

Whilst I’m not quite sure that I entirely personally subscribe to a few of these rules, being male myself, I am not inclined to nit-pick over the whole darned document just because of minor points on which I am of the opinion that some discussion might be valid. Therefore, I am pleased at last to be able to publish “The Rules” as bravely produced and recorded for future generations to study by one headstrong and perhaps foolhardy male without fear, favour, malice or concern for his own personal safety and in the face of untold (and perhaps unimaginable) danger.

The man is indeed a hero amongst men and here follows the unabridged document itself…

“I put forward these following rules in an intended spirit of unbiased helpful assistance particularly for the consideration of all women, but for men too. Please note the fact that all the rules are numbered ‘1’ and that this is entirely intentional…

1. Men are not  mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports: It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides… Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail!

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Even obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us!

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the  other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. Men tend to see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say ‘nothing,’ we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really!

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or Hockey.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.”

Addendum: It has been reported that the original author of this is currently located in an igloo somewhere north of the Arctic Circle and is now apparently devoid of any gender specific identifying features…

😆

Go Girl!

Posted in Humour and Jokes with tags , , , on February 17, 2010 by AF

Four friends spent weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip – shopping, casinos, massages, facials – the works!

However, two days before the group was due to leave, the husband of one of the girls, Mary, put his foot down and told her there was no way on this planet she was going!

Mary’s friends were devastated that she couldn’t go, but what could they do if she wouldn’t stand up to her husband?

So, two days later, the three remaining friends arrived at the hotel only to find Mary sitting in the bar sipping at a glass of wine and smiling happily to herself.

“Wow!” one of the girls exclaimed. “How long you been here? How did you talk your husband into letting you go?”

“Ah well… It’s a bit of a long story… Actually, I’ve been here since last night…”

“So? How come?” her now very curious friends demand to know.

“Well… Yesterday evening I was sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his hands over my eyes and said ‘Guess who?’ or something like that. I pulled his hands off to find that all he was wearing was his birthday suit and he took my hand and led me to our bedroom. I was amazed to discover he had scented the room beautifully with perfume and it was so romantic the way he had put two dozen lighted candles all around and spread rose petals all over… and on the bed

“What?”

“Well, on the bed he had set out handcuffs and ropes! He told me to tie and cuff him to the bed… So I did!”

“Then what? What happened? Come on! Tell us!” the rest of the girls all demanded, desperate to know the gory details.

“Um… well, I think all that was because he was feeling guilty about telling me I couldn’t come along with you guys… he told me to simply forget all my inhibitions and have my wicked way and that I should do anything at all that I wanted…”

Mary smiled quite wickedly… “So here I am!”

😆   😉