Archive for the Chats With Big G Category

Are You Being Perverse, Big G?

Posted in Chats With Big G with tags , , , , , , on May 23, 2011 by AF

I can imagine you laughed your butt off at those poor souls who had 21st May 2011 marked up as the end of things on our little planet – I mean, most of us here did – but did you miss a trick? Okay, so you and I have endlessly done the “I don’t believe in you, but I doubt you could care less” thing and, yet again here I am talking to this (to me) imaginary being who I don’t believe in. Yet, if you are real, would it have hurt your pride soo-oooo much just to back up these dipsticks who were going on about the rapture and all – at least just a little?

You didn’t have to end it all like the crazies claimed – yet again – but we could have seen a couple of the best good guys (or gals) floating skyward on the 21st, couldn’t we? I’m not exactly questioning your judgement, but it seems a bit unfair of you to me. According to the pundits – you know, the clergy and all – you made man in your own image. Well, if that’s so and with you being omnipotent and all that as well, you ought to find it real easy to think like a human (in so far as we do think at all, that is). Just a smidgen of evidence would be nice – a gesture at least that you understand us.

Now I know it’s always said that we have to take everything about you on trust – have faith as they insist on calling it. Well, that’s all well and good, but you’ve seen how that attitude works out with politicians, salesmen, relationship partners and lots of others – doctors even – so, “taking things on trust” now (quite rightly, if you don’t mind me saying so) kind of equates to being downright gullible! Don’t blame me! You gave us free will, supposedly. So I don’t see how you can be upset if we question things that look pretty darned unlikely to us.

I guess, on reflection, it would have been a bit of a stretch to ask for the odd candidate to be headed for the rapture they were going on about at such length, but there was nothing – well, that’s nothing apart from Iceland’s volcano playing up again, but that’s not new, is it? There weren’t even a few significant earthquakes that I heard about!

Of course, I imagine their abject failure this time won’t stop the “End Is Nigh” bunch from coming back on the next date some jerk calculates is going to be the apocalypse – they always do, time after time, and being wrong never seems to phase them in the least, but endlessly repeating the same damned thing in the vain hope of a different result is one of the definitions of madness, isn’t it? Couldn’t you either back these guys up a touch, or just put us all out of their misery by sending a few well placed lightning bolts to shut them up permanently?

Please… Aw… go on… Pretty please?

Cheers. Thanks for listening (if you did).

Um – I’m Afraid It’s Me Again Big G

Posted in Chats With Big G with tags , , on November 26, 2010 by AF

I’d hate you to see me as always moaning… Eh? What do you mean by that? Well, anyway, like I’ve said before, I get a bit confused by the things people who are supposedly your reps say and I wonder how you feel about some of it.

There’s the Catholic thing for instance… well, we’ve skirted around this before, but the idea that people who clearly cannot afford, or don’t want, children (or more children if they already have some) should not use contraception, is just plain daft to me – sex is either for fun, or it isn’t and, if it is, how can they justify preaching to couples, married or not that they should not use birth control? Seems to me like nothing more than a straightforward attempt to increase their following with respect to other religions… Eh? Well all right then, how would you interpret it? Like I said, sex is for fun, or it isn’t – if you’ve made it that way, then who the heck are these jerks to argue with your idea? Well, yes it’s quite true, I’m arguing, but then I don’t believe in you, remember?

Aaanywaaaay – that wasn’t my main point – I was just saying – as an example. Try another one then… What about all these various religions and all the pompous rubbish a lot of them spout? I mean to say, if you exist and if you’re in charge, then don’t you think it’s about time you exerted your authority and put a stop to all this balderdash? If some group or other has it right (which I seriously doubt), couldn’t you just arrange to show all the others up for what they are – charlatans and lunatics – or better still take a few minutes of your no doubt valuable time to turn up here on Earth and tell it like it is, so we all know once and for all?

I know that’s perhaps a lot to ask and some of your self appointed reps here would have us believe it’s all some sort of a convoluted “test”, but really! Are you kidding me? Religion has been the excuse for so much conflict, war, torture, death, destruction and general mayhem for so many thousands of years, if you’re really there and if you’re really such a loving god, couldn’t you just fix all this bickering and hatred once and for all…

Who knows what humanity might become if you took all that dissent and silliness out of the equation, eh? Well, I guess you do know… supposedly.

Thanks for listening – again – if you were, that is…

You Fed Up With Me Yet, Big G?

Posted in Chats With Big G with tags , on February 23, 2010 by AF

Yup! Me again! Sorry…

Anyway, according to the Sarah Palins of this world you made everything personally in ten minutes flat – well, six days at least – and you did it all at the same time six thousand years ago. So, what I would like to ask is… well, not to put too fine a point on it… why?

I mean, look at it from my point of view – you must have had a reason for doing what we’re told you did… For instance: dinosaurs… you made all those huge, complex creatures that lumbered around the planet eating everything in sight – a lot of them ate each other. Then you let them die out – why would you do that? What was the point? Did you have some “stuff” hanging around on day five or so and think, “I know. I’ll make some big chunky things that can roam around eating everything.”? And then did you later think, “Oh boy! They turned out to be real crap. I guess I should get rid of them.”?

Don’t misunderstand me. You’re omnipotent and I wouldn’t want to upset you, so I’m not arguing or criticising… I’m just trying to understand… Does that make sense? You don’t mind, do you?

See, the thing is this… if you made things like dinosaurs and then decided they were a bad idea after what must have been quite a short time, how come six thousand years down the flaming line we’ve still got flies? What good are they? I suppose you could argue that maggots clean up crap, but other things do that too and if that’s all they achieve, couldn’t you just fix it so maggots reproduce on their own without turning into flaming annoying flies first?

Bees I get… they carry pollen and help the plants grow and make honey and stuff and they only ever sting if they get frightened, but flies? Ugh!

I guess this is just a little thing to you, but pesky flies can be a real pain in the ass to us humans – and, incidentally, to a lot of other animals too. I mean, if flies are your idea of a joke, then I don’t think it’s that funny anymore and I could go off you real quick – not that you’d care, I imagine.

And then there’s wasps…!!!

It’s Me Again, Big G

Posted in Chats With Big G with tags , , , , , , , , on January 14, 2010 by AF

Yeah, I know – I can almost hear you sighing resignedly. Look, I don’t mean to question you… I mean, if you’re there (we’ve been through all that before) then I feel I should be able to ask you about things…

Anyway, I’ve been thinking about sex lately. What d’you mean – what’s new about that? OK, OK, so I’m a guy and I suppose I always have thought about sex quite a lot – apparently it’s what males do. But that’s my point… well, sort of… apart from the obvious, I really don’t think there’s much difference between men and women and particularly their attitude to sex.

What’s that? Six thousand years ago when you created…? Oh, I see – you’re being funny. I know, I know the creationist thing – yeah… crazy or what, eh? That’s the thing though, I mean, I’d like to know what your opinion is about sex and women wanting it just as much as men and all that stuff?

Look, if you’re real and a loving god and all that… you with me so far? Right… if you’re all that, why would you arrange it so that women didn’t want sex and men can’t get enough of it? That would simply lead to conflict and men hitting on women (literally – physically grabbing them off the street) from the day they both reach puberty, wouldn’t it? I mean, what else could result? We’d never have left the caves, would we – even if we’d got that far in the first place?

It seems to me that, if you really did create things at some point, it was a heck of a long time ago and you’ve simply stood back and watched where life – all of it – would go. The reason I say that is because sex in all it’s myriad forms is the way almost all life propagates itself and the higher the intelligence of a species, the more it seeks out ways to enjoy itself and that almost immediately turns into sex for fun as well as making offspring – for both sexes! Isn’t that right? OK, so sex may be part of a loving relationship, but responsible sex between consenting adults is just plain enjoyable whatever their relationship – one night or a lifetime – that’s right, isn’t it? Yeah, I thought I wouldn’t get a response to that. So, if you’re at the back of this and have taken any part in engineering it, then sex for fun is your idea and all this shit about only for procreation and being virgins when we marry and all that stuff is just crap from the goddamn churches, right?

Sorry, sorry… I’m being a bit profane, aren’t I? But you don’t care much about that, though, do you? I mean, you can see the joke in all this, can’t you? I bet you bust your sides laughing at some of the rubbish these jerks sound off about, don’t you? All these idiots going around saying that it’s your will that sex should be kept for inside marriage was just expedient stuff before we discovered proper effective contraception, wasn’t it? I bet you have a real good laugh at our expense…

Eh? Oh, don’t get me wrong – I agree wholeheartedly that we have a duty not to create life we didn’t intend – not least for the sake of the women that bear the kids and the children themselves – that’s something entirely different. But then, if we took a realistic, responsible and above all open and honest attitude towards all aspects of sex from the beginning – including accepting our joint desire for it just for fun – and stopped teaching our kids all this junk about it, the next generation would grow up with a much more healthy attitude to it that also respected the rights and feelings of others far more than now, wouldn’t it? That attitude might well spread throughout our whole way of behaving towards other people and the world could be a much better place without all that hypocrisy, don’t you think?

I mean, to me, sex is just a fact of life and I love it – it’s not the result of some divine intervention, is it? IS it? Why shouldn’t we all just embrace that fact and be happy about it? If you created sex for fun, then it’s just that – for fun, right? Not some weird test of humanity. You’re just not that twisted, are you? If you’re there at all, of course – and you wouldn’t expect me to admit to that, would you?

OK. I’m done! Thanks for the chat…

HEY! BIG G!

Posted in Chats With Big G with tags , , , , , , , on October 20, 2009 by AF

I know you must be busy, but...Sorry, I didn’t mean to shout. I just wasn’t sure if you were listening. Look, I know I do go on a bit, but something else is bugging me somewhat and I want to try to be clear about it.

What do you mean, why do I keep on talking to you if I don’t believe in you? I’m communing with myself, okay? It never seems to me that you listen anyway, even if I’m wrong and you are there.

Anyway, what I was going to bitch about this time is inequality. No, I don’t mean the inequality between people from different backgrounds, races and so on – we could be all goddam  (sorry) day on that and we’d still get nowhere! No, what I’m talking about is inequality between the sexes.

Now I’ve always had a sneaky feeling you were more likely to be a woman than a man, but then why would you have allowed men to assume a superior position in so many of the world’s cultures? So, I guess you must be a guy after all… Anyway, like I said – inequality between the sexes – and I don’t mean all that guff about sexual discrimination in the workplace and stuff which is often pretty subjective at the very least – I mean the way men and women are just plain incompatible much of the time!

Let’s start with a real big one… Why is it women have babies and men don’t? Waugh! Don’t get me wrong here, I don’t want to be pregnant and I never did, but that’s my point – why did you arrange it that way? If it was shared women wouldn’t be able to complain about all the drudgery involved in bringing up the kids because it would have to be their choice to get pregnant, because I’m darned sure most men wouldn’t want to – I know I wouldn’t! Of course, that would do wonders for world over-population too!

Then there’s periods and PMT… What’s that about? Seems like bloody poor engineering design to me!

Of course, I don’t want men and women to be the same, I mean, where’s the fun in that, eh? But couldn’t you have smoothed things out a bit? It’s all this hormonal thing – it drives us guys nuts! Of course, we love ’em to bits (well, I do at least), but such extremes of mood can be a bit off-putting.

I suppose you could say that much of this is all side effects of that hormonal thing and it’s just necessary and that’s that, but then there’s the thing that really confuses me… According to your bible basher followers – you know, the gospel mob – we’re supposed to get married for life  and then it turns out that young women mature much faster than young men, so women often naturally tend to go for older (occasionally a lot older) men – largely as far as we can tell because they quite reasonably want a more mature and stable man as a life partner.

Okay, so if that’s the way you want it then that’s the way it’s going to be and who am I to argue? But then what do you do? I mean, in view of all that, this is SO contrary I just find it difficult to take you at all seriously at times… You arrange for men to be at their sexual peak whilst they’re still all juvenile and thinking with nothing but their wiener at about nineteen or twenty (or so) years old, whilst you’ve got women at their sexual peak way later in their thirties! I’m sorry G, I think that’s just so darned stupid that it’s the sort of daft thing our politicians here on Earth would come up with – and trust me, that’s bad!

Thanks, Big G, for not striking me dead – yet! Have a nice day…

Another Chat With Big G

Posted in Chats With Big G with tags , , , , , , , on September 11, 2009 by AF

I know you must be busy, but...Look, God, Big G – you don’t mind if I call you Big G do you? Anyway, if you’re for real, then you must be aware that I don’t actually believe in you, but I can’t imagine you’d truly hold that against me – it is after all an honestly held opinion, unlike some who profess to believe… just in case, eh?

So, that being the situation, I’m sure you’re not bothered if I blather on a bit from time to time like this. Well, that is if I’m wrong about you and you’re really there. If I’m right and you’re not… well, it doesn’t matter does it? Either way, I suspect I’m only talking to myself. It’s a bit like blogging actually – you do it because you feel a need, but you’re rarely quite sure if there’s actually anyone out there taking much notice, if any. That doesn’t stop you though, does it? Well, it doesn’t stop me at least.

Anyway, there’s another point I kind of wanted to put to you: It’s this thing about right and wrong – a huge question I know. The thing that puzzles me a bit is the way so many people seem to assume their ideas are right and only theirs, in all circumstances. Of course they’re often someone else’s actual ideas they’re following, but that doesn’t stop them being convinced they’re right and, for some strange reason, they seem to assume that everyone else should think the same – because it’s right!

Take for instance… well, say the religion thing as an example. I know so many are sort of following the same god – you, of course, Big G – but in so many different ways. Jews, Moslems, Christians and many others. Then there’s Buddhism , Hinduism and the Chinese and Japanese gods (which are a total mystery to me) plus others. I mean they’re all convinced their way is the right one, but that can’t be so, can it? Can it?

You could argue, I suppose, that their beliefs are right for them, but… The thing is, the minute you start with that statement about something as fundamental as religion then where will it end? And there’s that word too – don’t get me started on fundamentalists – you know what I think of them! Mind you, I’ve always been a live and let live sort of guy. I mean I’ve always thought that what one person believes and cares about is fine for them and none of my business – as long as they leave me alone to be myself too.

But that’s the trouble, isn’t it? So many think that their way is the “right” way, whereas, as I see it, there’s no such thing as simple right and wrong – there’s things I wouldn’t do (as far as I can imagine), but then can any of us truly say that? I mean – never say never, eh G?

I mean, look here G… er, you still there? Well, anyway, there’s your ten commandments for a start and please don’t get all huffy and start striking me dead and stuff. Apart from the fact that I think it’s about time you updated the big ten, nothing is really that simple, is it? Well, I mean, let’s take the big, obvious one: I couldn’t agree more with the general principle of “Thou shalt not kill,” but you didn’t even stick to that one yourself, did you?

Now hang on a minute, there are lots of examples. For instance: never mind smiting the Philistines and so on, what about bringing fire and brimstone down on Sodom and Gomorra just because they were a bit debauched? And then there’s even poor old Lot’s wife, the woman you turned into a pillar of salt just for taking a peek at the interesting stuff going on behind her? What about her, eh? You don’t think turning her into a pillar of salt kills a girl? Talking of which, if someone I cared about was in imminent physical danger from some guy, I’d try very hard to kill the bastard and no mistake! Trust me! And I wouldn’t feel the least bit guilty about it either. If some terrorist or other nut was about to kill me or mine, I’d go down fighting – believe me I would. If I’ve gotta go then I’ve gotta go, but I’d take him with me if I could. So don’t give me the, “These are the rules and you can never break them,” spiel – you just can’t say, “never,” about anything.

I know, I know: I’m getting a bit carried away here, aren’t I? But you in particular, in your infinite wisdom of course, must see this is all a bit subjective and us humans, being the devious lot we are, tend to use these black and white statements to prove any darned point we want and that’s usually to the detriment of someone else.

I think I most like the one you came up with in Matthew 7 (well, apparently you, but in the form of Jesus). If you recall, that said, “Judge not, that ye be not judged.” I know – it’s often quoted as, “Judge not, lest ye be judged,” but it means the same thing and, in spite of all the gobbledegook that’s spouted surrounding it, it just means none of us should be worrying about other people’s shortcomings as we see them, because we’re not so goddam perfect ourselves and they might see us as just as flawed. So, who is any of us to say their opinion isn’t just as “right”, eh? Which brings us back to where we started.

Thanks G. Sorry I went on a bit, but you know me…

An Open Letter To God

Posted in Chats With Big G with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 18, 2009 by AF

I really don’t want to incur your wrath, God – and I know you’re a busy guy, what with watching over so many of us – and some of us must seriously piss you off at times! I mean there are all these wars and famine and stuff going on and what’s Fox News’s main concern? Some black guy’s birth certificate! I mean – pleeeease!

I know you must be busy, but...However, like I said, I know you’re busy with all this day to day mayhem as well as all the stuff I can’t comprehend too. But talking of that – and please don’t get upset if I’m speaking out of turn, I mean: just say if this is none of my business… Well, there is this thing that keeps on nagging at the back of my mind and it’s sort of confusing me…

Where was I? Oh, yes – you’re busy and all and there’s this nagging thing that I worry about. Well, my worry is really about some of the people here on little old Earth that claim to represent you. Are these guys for real?

You see, God, Sir, for instance: there’s this thing about virgins. Like I said, with you being so busy and all, well I kind of wonder about the logic of some of what we’re told that you’re supposed to have said – and please don’t take this the wrong way – I mean I can only respect someone with all the things you do at the same time and if this is what you want then it’s what you want and I’ll just shut up and stay confused. But I do worry about the virgin thing…

The thing is, there seems to be a consensus here that, although young guys are supposed to keep it zipped up in their pants, they’re probably not going to and it’s just “sowing wild oats” when they don’t. I’m not complaining – I mean, I’ve had my share as I’m sure you know full well and I surely enjoyed every minute of it. I even learned to make it last for ages to make it more fun for me and my partner and… Sorry, I’m getting off the point again…

So, virgins! It might just be my interpretation, but your reps seem to make it a real big deal about women remaining virgins and not having sex unless they’re married. So, my query is this: if the young women are to remain virgins and it’s not so bad for the young guys to go out and get laid, who are they going to do it with? Does that mean that once the girls marry they can screw anybody? Because that’s not what your guys are saying as far as I can tell. I mean, we all know there will always be “fallen women”, but if your reps are successful in reducing the numbers significantly and the wild oats thing is still accepted, then there’s going to be a relatively small number of these women working their butts off morning, noon and night and I fear for their health, I really do. I know young guys don’t usually take long over the sex thing, but it seems kind of unfair to me to put such a burden on these few women.

What do you think, God? Have I got this right? I mean, I’m being good here and thinking of others, aren’t I?

Oh, by the way, God, like I said I know you must be extremely busy and I guess you don’t really have time for daft requests from people like me, but do you think you could spare just a few moments to make a quick batch of copies of Obama’s birth certificate and shove one right up the ass of everyone at Fox? Then maybe we can get back to some sort of normality here on little old Earth.

Thanks for listening…