I Know It’s Fantasy

…or fiction, or part fiction and part reality, or whatever, but a post on Red Mojo Mama’s blog was on a subject that I tend to mention from time to time – all right then, it’s something I keep banging on about ad nauseam.

The excellent and humorous post (which you can read in full here) was a record of the usual highly entertaining conversation between her fictional character and herself, but in spite of the charming tone of the piece (just like most of her writings), she was making what I think is a very serious point.

I’ve often wondered exactly why it is that (as a generality) women do seem to “need” a man or significant other in their lives in order to somehow feel complete, or they believe that they (or others) should do so. I have made the point in the past that many a female’s bio is written along the lines of, “I’m a wife, mother, sister. I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful son/daughter/both. I live in Bogtown USA (or wherever)… oh and by the way I’m an author/rocket scientist/brain surgeon, etc.”

Why do women do that? Why is it not sufficient and far more important to say something more like, “I’m me. I’m wonderful (on a good day). I’m an author/rocket scientist/whatever”? She may then, it’s true, wish to add a little more detail by saying, “Oh and I have/don’t have children I’m married/have a nice partner/occasionally enjoy myself with a significant other”, but that’s surely secondary to what she is herself, isn’t it?

I admit that it’s a bit less common than it was a few years ago when almost all women rarely seemed to even mention publicly what really mattered about them, or to them, but they still often do behave in that far too selfless fashion nevertheless. Is it the maternal instinct that drives them to care more about others than they do about themselves? Or is it the historical male domination of society that has left women with the feeling that their mission in life should and must be to please some man – all the damn time? Or is it something else?

I’m not championing strident, bitchy, uncaring women here – unending loud belligerence is unattractive whatever a person’s gender – but rather the idea that a quiet confidence is vital because it gives women that inner strength of knowing who they truly are as individuals and therefore what they want, totally independent of any outside others they may care about and want to please and enjoy from time to time. To turn an old English saying around: what’s good for the gander, is absolutely bloody fine for the goose!

Okay then, go ahead and satisfy my masochistic tendencies by tearing my argument to pieces.


6 Responses to “I Know It’s Fantasy”

  1. 30 something and breaking up Says:

    I wonder to waht extent it is the media (advertising and television shows like Sex and the City) making them feel they must have a man in order to feel complete in the same way they push “you must buy this beauty product for men to want you”.

    • I know what you mean and I think you may be right in some ways.

      However, I do feel that “wanting to be wanted” either in a sexual way or just as a person is not the same as “needing to be part of a couple” and not having the confidence and sense of self sufficiency in order to be strong enough to take what’s on offer or leave it just as the mood takes the woman at the time. That requires an inner strength and self belief that many women still don’t seem to me to have. Then again, many men might be just the same, but a lot better at covering it up?

  2. Very good post! And thanks for your take on the subjugation of self we all seem to take part it. I’m pretty sure a couple of my bios mention motherhood and widowhood (I would actually have to go look to see what they say) but I think I list my own stuff first. Hopefully, anyway.

    To your point, if we subtract our relationships with husband and children, what’s left? In most cases, an awful lot, but we are train to think of that part as secondary. Thankfully, that seems to be my generation and perhaps the next. The younger generation seems much more free to think of themselves as a person with talents above and beyond their relationships. Yay!

    PS – thanks so much for the mention!

    • Thanks for commenting and “yay” indeed, thankfully things are changing somewhat – but is it all as different as it sometimes appears?

      It often seems to me that at least a proportion of the women who now display their independence don’t exactly exhibit a quiet strength born of inner certainty, but rather proclaim it at the very tops of their voices. Nothing wrong in that, of course, except for the “I think the lady doth protest too much” effect, which suggests they are actually a long way from being the confident, self possessed, whole person they try very hard to present to the world at large.

      Still, progress is never quite as fast and complete as we’d like it to be, is it?

      Oh, and you’re very welcome and I agree: red is definitely an attitude of mind, rather than just a colour…


  3. PS I never realized how inadequate a fig leaf actually was!

    • Very true and if you run your mouse over pictures in my posts there’s usually a comment or something a bit sarcastic from me about it.


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