You Know What?

I have a dream. A dream that, one day, men and women will live in peace and harmony – friends and lovers alike will share each other’s hopes and aspirations and celebrate their sexual differences with both excitement and understanding…

Yeah, right! And I dream I’ll win the lottery too, but that ain’t very likely to happen either, is it?

Now, as I might have mentioned on the odd occasion in the past, I love women – no, not just that aspect, although it is of course a factor – and I absolutely adore independent women. By “independent”, I mean truly self-sufficient females – not confrontational, or strident ones, because (male or female) those traits usually indicate those who are hiding the fact that they are really insecure and unsure of the very independence that I find most attractive in women. I love being with women. I love doing things with them – by that  I mean talking to them and listening to their points of view about many things, rather than just that, but once again, that too, naturally.

However, there’s one thing that I really prefer not to do with the female of our species – and that’s live with them. I just don’t think that men and women are actually all that compatible when it comes to things domestic. I’m not saying that my way of living is somehow right, because that’s rubbish. There is no “right or wrong” way to live anyway, but what suits me is unlikely to suit what someone I otherwise idolise and it seems one heck of a pity to spoil what is otherwise a beautiful relationship for the sake of staying in our own houses and meeting when we actually want to.

I’ve often thought about this and may have occasionally mentioned it too before… if I’m honest, I suspect that it’s more that I don’t want to share my space with anyone – male or female – but a woman’s way is often so very different from mine. If I’m feeling peeved and moody, another guy would probably understand that and ignore me, whereas a woman is likely to think there’s something “personal” about the fact that I just want to be left alone with my own thoughts. Equally, if you’re a woman, it’s likely that there are times when you’re only too glad to get rid of the guy in your life (assuming you have one – guy that is), because he’s in the way and a miserable old so and so today.

So, assuming they’ve managed to get over (or past) the genetically dictated, but utterly foolish, urge to rear a brood and all that stuff that, several years into the exercise, most of us have wondered why we started in the first place, I’m all for men and women living separate lives.

The snag is, I do like waking up in the morning with a warm and cuddly female in the same bed as me, but they seem to feel that this constitutes some kind of commitment…

…and I hate that word “commitment”. Why is it supposedly so desirable? More importantly, how do women manage to make such a ridiculous idea sound like some kind of virtue?


9 Responses to “You Know What?”

  1. So what you’re saying is, you love women…but only to a point. My question is, if you were to live with a man, platonically or otherwise, would you not end up feeling claustrophobic?

    • Hmm… good questions. Well, those who read the tripe I write do seem to enjoy me being a bit “controvesial” – so it’s all somewhat “tongue in cheek”, to use what I imagine is a very English expression.

      However, to be a little more serious, I don’t think it’s quite fair (in my mind at least) to say that I only love women up to a point – if I wanted to live someone else’s life for them, I can’t imagine how I’d go about it and, if there were no differences between me and another, what the heck would we have to talk about? But then, would continuous discord be even remotely tolerable either?

      I adore women and usually prefer their company to that of men. BUT, in all honesty, I think that two people living together often struggle to come to terms with the other’s foibles. When you add in the more “personal” feelings likely to be involved with male-female and the difficulty that men and women often have in understanding each other’s “hidden” motivations, it can be a recipe for disaster.

      I do think that many relationships benefit from at least occasional extended periods of separation – the old, “absence makes the heart grow fonder”.

      However, it’s not something I’m that serious about and you might well be right about a male living with a male as I’ve never tried it and, being so hetero you’d hardly believe, such a relationship would have to be platonic in my case.

      Nevertheless, I DO think that MANY beautiful friendships and relationships work absolutely fine and are exciting and fun – until the couple, be they male-female or any combination (except, possibly female-female, I wouldn’t know), platonic or not, move in together and then it’s far too often all downhill from there.

      There is only one piece of information I would quote in support of my statement – there are MORE relationship breakdowns occurring or beginning following the Christmas holidays when so many couples all spend an extended period of time with their partner than at any other time of the year!

      • I’m guessing that you’re right about the fire between two parties extinguishing after moving in together. It’s the old, ‘familiarity breeds contempt’–the flipside of ‘absense makes the heart grow fonder’.

        But maybe that happens because the parties in question do not understand what true love is all about. I believe love is about a different kind of passion, one created from precisely the familiarity that you feel is the source of ennui that destroys relationships.

        It’s about becoming tuned in to the other, so that you work in tandem like the tides. It’s about learning the other’s touch so well that it is welcome and comforting…and that in itself drives the passion.

        The torrid emotions of a relationship in its infancy can’t sustain themselves. Scientists say that the shelf life is somewhere between 18 and 24 months at best, and then they peter out (had to put that pun in there somewhere). So what happens after that? We enter a new stage that is more mellow, more, dare I say, real. And well, who likes reality?

        The trick is to embrace the familiarity, to understand that deep attachment arrives just as the initial passion begins to wane. Unless of course, one wants to shy away from attachments….

        • Yes, I agree entirely. I think the infatuation and most lustful stage of most relationships is, as you say, relatively short lived.

          I think you’re probably right about the “true love” part too. However, in my opinion (as we’re being serious), the majority of people who claim to be (or kid themselves they are) “in love” never actually achieve that state of being that mutually close. I think that true love is a relative rarity that few are lucky enough to chance upon. But, in these days of stereotypical living and expectations of instant gratification largely created by TV as well as foolish convention, it means that most who find mutual attraction assume it either is, or is heading towards, love.

          That’s not to say that there aren’t many types and degrees of love and that, for the majority, we can often artificially produce many of the feelings involved by such things as fairly frequent, temporary separations – as I suggested is one possibility.

          The thing that worries me about the “in tune” love you describe is that you have two people living one life and, unless you are (or become) that similar in tastes and desires, then how boring could that become unless the couple is truly special? Excitement, exploration, curiosity and the need to experience things that are new are what drive the human animal – if that were not so, we would all still be a few thousand people living in mud huts or caves or trees somewhere in Africa.

          So, as I said, I agree with you completely, but I think those that actually achieve that wonderful state are few and far between and simply incredibly lucky. That’s not to say that there aren’t many, many perfectly good and exciting relationships based around all sorts of differing criteria that make it work for those individuals and, with the right tactics that suit them, they can make it last a lifetime.

          Most of the time I think we expect (even DEMAND) much too much of life and of others too.

          …interesting discussion, though, don’t you think? 😉

  2. Interesting indeed!
    Must add, however, that the ‘in tune’ does not mean becoming clones of each other. It’s about learning each other’s rhythms. It’s about being an individual within a couple, and knowing that you both allow the other to be themselves. It’s Simon and Garfunkle (at their best….don’t start by telling me what happened to them after awhile), Abbott and Costello, Chip and Dale…Morticia and Gomez. It is two pianists playing a duet on one piano–each playing something different, with his own unique style, but together making ze beautiful music togezer!

    • Oh, yes. I do so agree with exactly that. However, how many of us can manage that, or even have the self-confidence and general wherewithall to be able to come close to achieving it?

      Er… Bonny and Clyde?

      Sorry… Yes, I know exactly what you’re saying, but that doesn’t mean that the rest who do not meet that ideal other half – that “soulmate” to use a cliche (perhaps the majority?) cannot have a great life with a great partner and enjoy many if not all of the exciting benefits of such a relationship simply by using “tactics” that suit them – one aspect of which is what I was suggesting.

      To most people I’d say that what you define is the ideal, but so many sadly expect that and don’t have a cat’s chance in Hades of achieving it. So to them, with their dreams and unrealistic aspirations, I’d simply say, “Yes. Well… Good luck with that, then.” 😆

  3. Heh. Adam, I promise you, when you find the right one you’ll know. Until then, have faith!

  4. Heh. Adam, long answer short-I really think finding the right person is entirely the answer. You can’t just assume all men are the same any more than you can women.
    Referring to “men” or “women” is a LARGE blanket statement.
    There IS someone out there. As a matter of fact, there’s not just one “soul mate”. I really think they’re all over and looking. Just like you or anybody else.

    • We-eell… I don’t agree that there are “lots” of soul-mates for each individual – simply because, as you say, each person, male, female or not sure, IS just that – an INDIVIDUAL.

      However, there are basic differences between the way men (in general) and women (in general) think about all sorts of topics that make for difficulties long term. Sure people compromise and “settle” into each other’s ways, but then NEITHER of them is living the life he OR she really wants.

      There probably IS a soulmate – in fact several – out there for almost everyone, but with six billion people in the world and rising all the time, the search could be a long one.

      As to having “faith” – well yes, up to a point. But faith can be described as an irrational belief in something for which one has no evidence of its actual existence – could be a lonely old life for a lot of people who spend it all waiting or looking, don’t you think?

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