Gagging For It!

It’s probably a UK expression (I don’t know), but the male attitude that “She’s gagging for it, even if she won’t admit it,” represents is something that’s international and bothers me one hell of a lot! It might even be so, if somewhat coarse, but no guy should assume it’s him she’s gagging for it from or with!


“I mean, I’ve never been raped. I just wanted to have that out there. To qualify. Because you know, I’m one of the lucky ones. I’ve led a fairly normal existence. Pretty privileged. Very sheltered. I’ve sown some wild oats, done some experimenting. I’ve been taken advantage of. I’ve been… men have not always treated me with respect. And I never even really understood that, until recently. I thought it was my fault. I was pretty messed up over some things, actually.     (read the full post here)

But it wasn’t rape, okay? Okay. I’m glad we cleared that up.

And yet…”

…is on a feminist site that I liked. However, it is a beautifully written post that I think is so very descriptive.

I’ve never really understood rape – not really. I don’t see the point of sex at all without mutuality (apart from the obvious release, which one can quite simply take care of on one’s own). It just seems so … so pale an imitation of real sex with a partner who is equally eager and excited by the activity and prospects of what you are doing with and to each other.

This comment on the article…

“Hell, how about listening for ‘Yes’. ‘No’ should be the default, not the other way round.”

…for me, says it all! “No!” should absolutely be the DEFAULT until a woman (or a man) clearly, willingly and unambiguously says otherwise! Guys, at its most basic level, if you follow that principle, you just might, once in a while, miss out on a very occasional and exceptionally oblique offer of a screw, but hey! What the hell! At least you’ll be able to look yourself in the eye in the mirror when you shave.

All that said, there are places where I think many feminists have got it wrong, or they give the wrong impression to men and others who are opposed to them, or who simply don’t understand the problem…

For a start, let’s get one thing straight: there are women who “cry rape” when they acquiesced totally and without any ambiguity at the time. Such women do all other women a huge disservice! Sadly, just admitting such a fact creates an enormous loophole for the assholes of this world to stroll through.

Additionally, I am convinced that women should not desire to be equal! Some would of course say they’re not equal, but better, and in some areas I’d probably agree. But that’s my point: men and women are different (thank heavens). What feminists mean (I think – and they are absolutely right) is that they are equally important and deserve the same respect, consideration and opportunities as the rest of us – and that’s true of all men and  women regardless of race, creed, age, sexual orientation and any other difference – we are all human beings. We may not agree, but we can all respect the other’s attitude and beliefs, but above all else, their person!

I’ve always supported what I’ve seen termed these days as “lipstick feminism”. By that I assume they mean women who are pro-female, but are sufficiently well balanced to celebrate the differences between the sexes, rather than looking to merge them and they don’t see anything degrading in a woman doing, wearing, saying or otherwise behaving in a way that will turn a particular man on – if she wants to turn him on! They don’t assume that there’s anything wrong in one man seeing slim women as sexy, simply because others will find the “fuller figure” more attractive. The same attitudes though, of course, are equally applicable to men.

Looked at in this way, not only are men and women different (which is after all the only reason the human race still exists at all), but each of us is an individual and we all of us like and are attracted by different things, shapes, styles, voices, colouring … etc., etc., almost endlessly. Above all else, humanity should, in my view, celebrate its diversity and that includes the differences between the sexes – all the differences. That celebration, though, by its very nature also affords men and women equal respect, importance and consideration and that’s all any of us really have right to expect and hope for.

I’ve always thought that the money and equal pay thing is a bit of a red herring. Sure, it’s critical to some women, but I’ve never thought that legislation is really the answer – but then I don’t think that legislation is ever really the answer – education, education, and more education is the key to changing almost anything and everything in human society. How much better is it if, instead of legislating to make an employer treat a woman fairly, a man respect her right decide about her own body, or a woman to respect and value herself, all that is seen by everyone as “normal, fair and right” and just happens anyway? Of course, there will always be exceptions, but I’ve always thought that all these complicated formulae that politicians devise in order to spell out what we can and can’t do could be largely done away with. America has its Constitution. Use it. Apply it to everyone with common sense by legal people with common sense and then an asshole is an asshole and it’s unacceptable to be one – jail the bastard (mostly, the bad criminals are assholes anyway)! I know that’s simplistic, but there’s some sense in it somewhere (I’m just not quite sure where).

I suppose I could have said most of this in about a thousand words less: as a man, I love women and I adore how different they are from guys. Sure, I spot a gorgeous, sexy woman walking down the road and my first thought would probably be something like, “Woah! Nice! Would I like to…” well, you know. That’s just nature and I don’t mean any disrespect by it for face to face, it’s different. I expect I might still want to … you know … but I would be mortified if I thought I’d let that show – if for no other reason than that I’d assume that a sexy lady wouldn’t be interested in a boring old fart like me (even if I thought I was God’s gift to women, I’d still assume that) – and it’d take some doing for her to convince me otherwise. More importantly, though, is that little fact – only she could do that (convince me differently) and I guess that’s the solution to the sexual part of this.

As to real liberation for women – I still think that’s down to education and the financial aspect will follow. Certainly teach men not to be assholes and give them self respect too, because that will undoubtedly help their attitude to improve! But give a girl knowledge and teach her how to protect herself physically and mentally, as well as showing her just how special she is both as a person and as a female, and you’ll end up with a confident, liberated woman who won’t give a damn what men think of her or anything else … unless a man has become special to her and then, if he wants to really enjoy their relationship, be it for one night or for life, he’d just darned well better treat her right, or watch out!

In my eyes, that’s a properly liberated woman and I love ’em to bits!

7 Responses to “Gagging For It!”

  1. Are you really a boring old fart? You write very young.

    • Well, it’s (I hope) just an expression, although my body is getting on a bit, but I’m thirty something in my head – and have been for some years 🙂

      It’s like I said somewhere else – age is just a number really and people (as individuals rather than as bodies) may be born old or young. I know some eighty year old thirty year olds and vice versa – if you see what I mean. Fortunately, I haven’t got quite that far! Yet!

      Thirty six was, I think, my perfect mental age and that’s where I guess I’ve stayed – OK, Blue Eyes?

  2. I think it was your idealism and enthusiastic manner that made me think you might be in your mid-twenties.

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